Disclaimer: First off... to any of you who might have found my diary, and now know what town I live in, and some of my common friends, please don't share this diary with anyone. This is my private place to vent my frustrations. If you want to read it... that's fine.. but don't go passing it around is what I mean. I don't go searching for your dirty laundry to publish throughout the world. Leave me a comment, talk to me, whatever floats your boat... but don't go home and tell people from my area... "Hey... Guess what I found!!" Please... Thank You.
2006-10-16 - 12:16 a.m.
text messages
This entry... you can skip if you want. Or you can read it... I don't care. Basically I've had these text messages in my phone for quite a while because I like to go back and read them. Well... phone is getting full and there are too many that I just don't want to delete... so I am retyping them here so that I can remember them. They are from Hunter by the way, and if you do decide to read them, I'm not retyping all of what I sent to him, so some of them might not make sense. 9-29-06 10:26 am
I don't know why I was thinking of this, or how the heck I remember it from 11 years ago... If I obtained a dollar for every time I cried, I'd be rich and famous, but still would rather die.. I thought this time was different, this time I though you'd stay, inhuman as before you coldly went away.. Suicide is difficult I guess I never knew.. I never had a reason, until the realm of you... 9-29-06 1:13 pm
I realize now I forgot a couple lines... the realm of you, is the title of one of Emily Dickinsons.. I guess thats where I got the idea.. What are you doing right now? 9-30-06 9:28am
You are thinking of ME this early in the morning! If making people feel good brings you happiness, you should have a fine day ahead of you.. Seriously though, you wake up with a hangover and think, hmm I'd better send (hunter) a note.. You are officially "in my head".. 9-30-06 8:12 pm
You know, I've been worried that I'm creating this fantasy person in my head about you.. I feel relieved now.. in fact I think I want you even more.. Thank you 9-30-06 8:16 pm
You were wrong my dear.. 10-2-06 3:05 pm
I guess my point is that you are one of the strangest, most unpredictable, Just Wierd.. I know alot of people and I have never met anyone like you. I can't even think of the words.. Wierd.. Please don't be offended.. Surely you've realized that I practically adore you.. Just freaked out and had to say it.. 10-2-06 3:58 pm
Not if taking off gets me a country drive with you. I'll find a way out of it.. Give me the OK asap, I think we're quitting soon.. 10-4-06 9:57 pm
Goodnight Jess, see you tomorrow... Sweet dreams... 10-5-06 4:55 pm
YOU'VE NEVER SEEN SCARFACE! It'll be ok, I'll take care of you.. 10-6-06 7:47 pm
Just wanted to tell you that I'm sitting here thinking about you.. This has been really nice.. You are veery special.. I can't help but wonder what this might become someday... 10-7-06 10:15 am
Good morning dear, do you have plans for today.. 10-8-06 9:19 pm
Thank you Jess, you are so comforting. 10-8-06 9:20 pm
I love that about you.. 10-10-06 9:07 am
Busy at the shop.. Been thinking about you all morning.. Having a great day, this weather is awesome.. We should go to Kearney together this weekend.. 10-10-06 10:18 am
I guess I will have to come visit you there then, huh.. It'll be fun, I can feed you soup and gently wipe your forehead with a damp cloth.. Ect.. 10-10-06 2:53 pm
You called me baby... That feels really good.. Are you trying to seduce me again... I'll be the judge of the pills if you don't mind my dear... 10-12-06 9:03 pm
Thats because I couldn't think of ANYTHING I could do that would possibly impact my life in a more positive way.. It's been wonderful.. Sweet dreams.. The above message was sent after I had told him that I would let him get back to whatever he was doing, cause I feel like he puts too much off to spend time with me anyways... and that was what I got back. 10-12-06 9:21 pm
I remember you saying you try not to imagine what the future might hold for us, for fear of being hurt.. And you're right, one of us may very well have our hearts crushed.. But someday, we may very well get to lie down with each other every night for the rest of our lives... to which I replied with... I would say that given the current situation, I am the one with the most risk of getting hurt. I find that I will take whatever you can give me. I understand your situation... I should. I've been there myself. I am merely trying to tell you how much I enjoy spending any time with you... I sometimes cant help but wait for the other shoe to drop... And for you to decide that as you get to know me that you dont want to spendtime with me anymore... 10-12-06 9:41 pm
No I'm sorry Jess, you've done nothing wrong... Please don't apologize.. I am soo thankful that you've given me what you already have of yourself. It is very giving and unselfish of you... Whatever happens between us, you can be sure I will treat you with the upmost kindness and respect... You are a wonderful person and you deserve it.. 10-13-06 3:29 pm
Ok pumpkin... He was hunting a giant buck and I had asked him to send me a pic of it if he got it... 10-13-06 11:00 pm
What are the chances you will come stay with me my love... 10-13-06 11:34 pm
It's not like you don't already know Jess, I love you... I love you with all my heart.. Yeah I love you... You'll see.... 10-13-06 11:49 pm
I remember everything you say... You are most of my will to live.. You give me hope... You remind me that I'm alive Jess, you remind me that I'm alive... 10-14-06 12:09 am
Good night my dear, I hope to share a bed with you tomorrow night.. 10-14-06 10:30 am
Good god I was plowed last night.. I didn't remember saying all of that, just the part about loving you... I am very sorry it happened like that.. Of course I meant it with all my heart... I hope I didn't upset your friends, just kind of remember mauling them with my attention.. 10-15-06 7:08 pm
You're the instigator, I didn't even have a sex drive until the realm of you... I would go for months, even years.. I'M the instigator? That's funny.. I can't help but love the way you touch me... So you're the one starting it with all the touching... But don't quit doing that. I miss you. And I can't come see you. :(
10-15-06 7:18 pm 10-15-06 7:24 pm
I don't want to disappoint you with promises I can't keep... But I'm confident enough to say... Just give me some time pumpkin... I'll show you what you mean to me.. I'm patient... I know how hard it is. But I still miss you.
10-15-06 7:28 pm 10-15-06 7:33 pm
Thank you Jess, that means alot to me... Last night... he asked me if I would be willing to go to school in Manhatten rather than Colby. He knows I would really like to go back to school. Reason being his asking is that he is considering taking a job in Manhatten, and wants to know if I would be willing to live there with him. We've talked about me moving back to Oakley, and I've expressed how I don't feel like that's best for me. He understands that. He's getting the cart a little before the horse here... he's still with his girlfriend and he's thinking of making career choices based on whether or not I would live there or not. Although during the past two weeks she has been out of town seeing her mother in the hospital in Texas. Her mother has been very ill. She's currently on her way back right now. He and I have spent at least every other night with each other for the past two weeks... sometimes several nights in a row, taking turns me going there and he coming here. He's in a tight situation because he wants out of the relationship, but is respectful enough that he doesn't want to just call and do it while her mom might be dying. He loves her like a friend, sister. From the way he talks about it on occasion, it's like it would be if my best friend Cody and I dated again. We love each other... there is just no passion to it. It is extremely difficult to deal with a situation like that... and I am determined not to pressure him.
0 Gimme your thoughts!
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