Disclaimer: First off... to any of you who might have found my diary, and now know what town I live in, and some of my common friends, please don't share this diary with anyone. This is my private place to vent my frustrations. If you want to read it... that's fine.. but don't go passing it around is what I mean. I don't go searching for your dirty laundry to publish throughout the world. Leave me a comment, talk to me, whatever floats your boat... but don't go home and tell people from my area... "Hey... Guess what I found!!" Please... Thank You.
2006-08-30 - 12:22 p.m.
Well... I'm still alive and kicking... literally
Well... hello to any that might actually read this. I am so relieved to be sitting here... in front of my computer typing an entry. First of all... let me recap what's been going on with me.... In November I lost my cush job... the one where I sit in front of the internet all day. Alas... not very many entries from me. I know I've alluded here to having feelings for someone other than my husband. Well... I do/did (I'll explain the did here in a little bit.). It was Carnegie... which was his alias for quite a while here... and I've not very many secrets anymore... his name is Jordan. He's quite a bit younger than I am. Which was part of my hesitation. I do mean quite a bit younger... as in he's not even 18 yet.. and I'm 25. (he'll be 18 in a week and a half) In February... we hooked up. Started seeing each other behind my husband's back. Which I know you all are thinking that I'm a dirty little whore for that... well maybe I am. But my husband and I were having so many problems... it was nice to spend time with someone who gave a shit. Things with Jordan were... great. I left my husband in the middle of May. We're still technically married because I haven't had time to deal with all the paperwork bullshit that I need to fill out in order to file for divorce. Jordan left for basic training in the end of May. At this time he was talking marriage, babies, me moving with him when he left for college... moving in with me as soon as he turned 18. The whole nine yards. I wasn't wild about the marriage part... Nervous about the baby idea... but okay with the moving in... if he wanted to. I was nervous about the whole baby idea... because of his age... and we talked about it, and everything I brought up, he had already thought of and had a feasible plan for working it out. He left for basic training (he's in the Army National Guard), and for the majority of the time... things were great. We wrote each other every day, or at least every other day. Towards the end of the summer I started getting worried about things.. and I tried writing to him about it.. but he would write me back and tell me to quit worrying, that I worry too much and that everything is fine. He comes home... and he is not the same. The sex was still great... but everything else... was well... distant. I tried talking to him, and he would tell me again, that he was just tired and that I need to quit worrying... it's fine. A week and a half after he came home we got into a fight... and in the span of 15 seconds... he didn't want to even speak to me anymore. I had been right... feeling like something was wrong... and he had been lying to me... or avoiding talking to me about it. My world crashed. I sat back and reflected on my life... and felt like I hurt everyone I've ever dated. I was hurting Jordan, because of his age... and I was holding him back from doing the things he needs to do at his age. Well not really the things... just the dating around part. And I felt like he had lied to me, and that everything that he had ever said and did... was all a lie. Needless to say... I didn't handle it well. We got into the fight on Friday night, and by Saturday evening I was so upset I was crying uncontrollably, vomiting NOTHING because I had nothing in my stomache to throw up... including bile, because that had already came up. I wasn't thinking rationally... and I made the decision to just not do it anymore. I didn't want to live... I wanted to just drop out of the picture and not be here anymore. That way I can't hurt anyone anymore. I got up off my bathroom floor and drove to the store and bought a new bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol and took 25 of them. Sat back and waited. Called an old friend of mine, Ricky, who lives 60 miles away. Talked to him for a while, told him what I did. He was begging me to go try and throw up and get it out of my system. I argued with him because I didn't want to. Got off the phone with him because I wasn't feeling so hot, walked about ten feet and started throwing up. I was angry because I couldn't even manage to kill myself properly... and I called a friend of mine, Jaelynn. I told her that I was going to drive to a nearby town to get the fuck out of town. She could tell that I was upset, and she knew the situation and asked if I could drive. I told her that I was going... and if I couldn't drive it... then that was fine, I just wouldn't make it. I told her what I had done. Told her I had thrown up. She said she would come drive me... because she didn't think I was in any shape to drive. She came and got me, and was keeping an eye on my pulse. I started acting high/drunk? on the drive up there. When we got to that town, she took me to my friends house. My friend Gina is in nursing school, and she asked Jaelynn what I had been drinking and Jaelynn told her what I had done. To make it a shorter story, Gina and Jaelynn took me to the ER and I had to drink charcoal, and this mucamist crap. Had to be in the hospital for 3 days so I could have 17 doses of the mucamist stuff. I guess Tylenol eats your liver. So they kept checking my liver functions. Now... I'm glad that they did. I'm glad that things turned out the way they did. I'm furious pissed with myself for being so weak... and feeling like it was the only way. I'm realizing more how much my friends and family love me. Well... my friends anyway. My mother made no effort to come see me. My father wanted to come, but I told him not to. I didn't want to deal with it. I'm out of the hospital now. I've spoken with Jordan... and we've discussed that this is the best for both of us. And it is... I've always told him, and all I want is for him to be happy, and that if I needed to not be in the picture for him to be happy... that I would leave. Of course at those times he always told me to quit being silly, and that that's not going to happen. But... oh well. We're friends. Occasionally friends with benefits. But not very often. I've moved to that town that I was in the hospital in. I have more of my own friends here. In my old town, all of my friends are his friends too... and it was awkward. I'm eating better, before all of this happened I would go days without being hungry, and I would often have to force myself to eat. I'm living with a friend of mine here, who is my cousin. Well he's technically my step-cousin, but we're more like friends than anything. We have a four bedroom house, and he has his own living room and space downstairs, and I have my own living room and space upstairs. It's a good living arrangement for right now. I've been talking to a guy from my old town... I've known who he is for a long time, just not KNOWN him... and we're getting to know each other. Well to be honest, we're mostly just fuck-buddies that hang out once in a while. And you know my conscience was bugging me about that... but I've decided that I just need to get out and live a little. I'm single, 25, not bad looking, not great looking, but not bad. And if I can get out and have a good time... I'm going to do it. He's at least 21, and old enough to drink. Old enough to buy his own. I know... with what's happened, and what I did, it's probably not the healthiest thing to do... but if it put a smile on my face... I'm going for it. I'll be alright. So... that's the very basic recap. I am looking forward to being able to write here often, and just get all of the thoughts in my head out. I've really missed journalling... and I'm here now. If you want to read it... read it. If you don't... don't. I'm doing this for me. J. 0 Gimme your thoughts!
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