Disclaimer: First off... to any of you who might have found my diary, and now know what town I live in, and some of my common friends, please don't share this diary with anyone. This is my private place to vent my frustrations. If you want to read it... that's fine.. but don't go passing it around is what I mean. I don't go searching for your dirty laundry to publish throughout the world. Leave me a comment, talk to me, whatever floats your boat... but don't go home and tell people from my area... "Hey... Guess what I found!!" Please... Thank You.
2005-01-17 - 9:19 a.m.
My best friend... (My past cont.)
I said I would come back� and finish, so here I am.
Cody. Cody is the illustrious best friend I keep referring to. After Dave and I ended our ways� I got up the courage to admit to Cody that I was in love with him. He was relieved and confessed that he loved me also. Now at this time he was living in Kansas City, and I�m living about 5 hours west of there in the middle of nowhere. I went out to Kansas City several times, he came to spend several days with me over Christmas. We tried to see each other when we could, and talked on the phone everyday. Cody was enjoying life and all that he could get out of it. He participated in many activities that I do not choose to participate in. Our very firm policy had always been in the past that we accepted each other no matter what. We were friends and we didn�t judge each other. I have never been a person prone to drugs. I don�t know why� I just don�t feel the need to do them. I guess you could say that it bothers me that I could get into trouble with the law if I get caught with them, or doing them. For the past several years Cody had participated in quite a few of these types of recreational activities. I was even present on quite a few occasions. I don�t have a problem with someone else doing it, as long as they don�t try to talk me into doing it also. Does this make sense? Some days it doesn�t make sense even to me. I guess to sum it up, I believe that each and every person is responsible for themselves and their own actions. If you want to go out and do stuff like that� that�s okay. But I don�t want to do it. I�ll go with you, and I�ll drive you to keep you safe, but I don�t want to participate. I may not agree with it, but it�s not my place to tell you how to live your life. I keep my disagreements to myself. Cody�s friends quickly realized that I was cool with it, I wasn�t going to narc on them, and that everything would go well, as long as they didn�t get the attitude that I had to do it with them. I loved Cody (and love) no matter what. I don�t care what he�s done, he�s my friend, and there�s honestly really nothing he could do that would change that. Well unless he turned into a raving monster� maybe� but I don�t see that happening. He understands and completely respects my boundaries. While we were dating I was very strongly considering moving to Kansas City. I even went and looked at a few places up there. I was stuggling to find a place that I could even dream of affording that wasn�t in the ghetto. Cody wanted me to move up, I wanted to move up. I didn�t see any way we could do it unless we moved in together. One: I have to make note here that Cody and I have never had sex. We�ve never seen each other naked. We�ve slept in the same bed together many times, but it�s never progressed to that level. (now my husband still swears up and down that we were sleeping together� but he just doesn�t care for Cody.) I broke things off with Cody on February 19, 2001. I had sat and thought about it quite a bit. I realized that I love Cody very much, however there were things that our relationship just wasn�t ready for. In order for me to be comfortable sharing my life with him as a lover, and a mate, things would have to change. I was afraid that his love for me wouldn�t stand up to that. The whole entire basis of our many years friendship was that we didn�t judge each other, and we didn�t ask for changes. In order for us to work as a couple, I needed there to be no more drugs. Mostly just because I don�t want them in my house. I don�t want them in my car, I don�t want them to invade my personal space. I don�t have a problem being in someone else�s house, and having them there, but the difference in that situation is that if I had a problem, I could just go home. I felt like a complete shyt, when I realized that I loved my best friend, but that I was going to have to ask for some changes. I cried and cried and cried, and made a sacrifice. I broke things off with him, in order to save the friendship. I was very much afraid that if I had started asking for changes that it wouldn�t have lasted, and I would have lost him forever. I didn�t think that I could handle that. I would rather have him as a friend at a distance, then as my other half and have things go bad between us. I was afraid. I realize now that I wouldn�t have needed to be afraid. I should have talked to him about it at the time. About six months after we broke up I wrote him a long letter explaining in every detail just exactly WHY I had broken it off. I felt like he was reeling with shock and misunderstanding, and I felt he deserved to know. After he got the letter, he waited a few days and then he wrote me back. I was already seeing the man who is my husband by this time. Cody knew this. His reply was not one of absolute anger that I had expected. He expressed much love and thanks. He thanked me for realizing that he wasn�t ready to settle down, and he thanked me for being the absolute friend, that I would sacrifice my own happiness for him, to keep from making demands on him. He expressed his wishes that I would have talked with him about it, but that he understands why I didn�t at the time. He said that he loved me even more than he had before, because of what I chose to do. He told me that he would have quit everything he was doing for me. That it would not have been a problem. But I didn�t want him to completely recreate who he is in order to please me. Because that wouldn�t have been who we were, our whole friendship was based on that opposite. We agreed to remain as friends, and to always be there for each other. (As I read back over this� I must make note. He didn�t have a major drug problem. It was merely a recreational thing that happened on occasion. Obviously there were quite a few other things that would have needed to change other than that, but that example was the easiest to explain to people who don�t know us, and how we are together.) Cody has slowly grown up in the past four years. He has dated here and there. I keep telling him he needs to find someone to settle down with. He keeps saying he did find someone, now he has to find another person like that someone. Today� I find myself wishing I would have talked to him rather than just breaking it off. I love my husband, but there are things in our marriage that just don�t cut it for me. I�m not happy all the time. Which I�m not na�ve enough to think that a person CAN be happy all the time, however the things I�m unhappy with, are big things. I�m not saying that I won�t eventually leave my husband for Cody. I just can�t put that out there, because I just don�t know that it won�t happen. However RIGHT NOW, I just can�t leave my husband. It would crush him, especially with everything we�ve been dealing with concerning his children and his ex-wife. So� we�ll just see how it ends up. When I see that Cody can talk to me on the phone, and just KNOW that something is wrong, and my husband is clueless even when we�re in the same room� that tells me something. So that brings everyone to present in my past love affairs. Nothing big and exciting here I�ve only slept with three different men. Sorry to not be able to dish the good dirt everyone seems to be looking for in D-land.
1 Gimme your thoughts!
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