Disclaimer: First off... to any of you who might have found my diary, and now know what town I live in, and some of my common friends, please don't share this diary with anyone. This is my private place to vent my frustrations. If you want to read it... that's fine.. but don't go passing it around is what I mean. I don't go searching for your dirty laundry to publish throughout the world. Leave me a comment, talk to me, whatever floats your boat... but don't go home and tell people from my area... "Hey... Guess what I found!!" Please... Thank You.
2005-01-14 - 2:11 p.m.
My past
I need to start writing about something other than this whole ex-wife, srs, chloe situation. I am just overloading myself and I need to step back from it a little bit. So I'm going to steal an idea from Clarity, who in turn stole her idea from Betchy, and I'm going to describe some of my past relationships. I'm going to start off with Jeff A. Jeff was a great guy, and we had such great times making googly eyes at each other over the legos in our kindergarten class. We borrowed each others crayons, and always made a very strong effort to stand next to each other in the line on the way to the library, or the lunchroom etc. When we passed into first grade, from kindergarten, my mother had decided to move in with a nasty man who eventually became my stepfather. Thanks to that move Jeff and I were ripped apart by me switching schools. Jump quite a few years to 6th grade and meet Trace H. Trace and I had been 'going out' for a week or so. We had made plans to kiss on Wednesday after school, before we had to catch our buses. Well Wednesday he and I fought all day, and we decided that it just wasn't going to work, so we broke it off at lunchtime. Trace was happy with breaking it off... but wanted to know if we could still keep that appointment for the kiss? I thought what the hell... I wanted to try it, and even though I was angry with him, if he was willing, I was willing. We met each other in the middle of the deserted gymnasium floor, and we just walked up to each other and didn't say anything, we just kissed, for quite a few seconds. Then we pulled apart, and he looked at me and I looked at him. We both said at the same time "let's do that again.." So we tried it a second time, and this time he got up the nerve to slip me a little tongue! When the kiss was done, he stood eagerly waiting my opinion/approval. When I didn't say anything he finally asked if he did okay... and I said yeah... it was nice. He said okay... and turned around and left. We never spoke to each other again after that. I'm going to skip over quite a few years and go to age 15 and Brandon F. Brandon was the all around bad-boy. He was a junior, and actually he was old enough to have graduated already. I honestly don't remember how we ended up dating. I wasn't allowed to date at that time, for my guardians had some very strict rules. So us 'dating' consisted of me going to his house in the morning before school, and making out for a while and then I would give him a ride to school because he didn't have a car. I broke things off when he started heavily pressuring me for sex. I just didn't feel right about it with him, and refused. When I broke up with him he didn't come to school for a week. Cody D. (also age 15 here)
Cody was the first person whom I ever took home. My guardians still weren�t allowing me to date officially, however I had a Christmas party with our church youth group that they allowed me to bring Cody to as my date. It was a big thing, and something he and I will never forget. He came out to my house (which was 27 miles from his house), and he was all dressed up in a suit and tie. I took him over to my grandma�s house, and she got to meet him. Somewhere I have a picture of him and I on that day, that I will have to share. My guardians agreed that it was okay for him to drive my car, because it wouldn�t be ladylike for me to drive all dressed up the way I was. (My guardians were VERY old fashioned.) Cody and I were driving along, and I told him there was a very sharp curve coming up in the road, and that he would want to slow way down. Well I guess his interpretation of a sharp curve and mine were quite a bit different. He drove off the side of road because he was going to fast to make the curve. (it was a 90 degree curve.) The car and everyone else were all fine, and nothing damaged. It�s something we occasionally laugh about until this very day. Over the school Christmas vacation, I went with my guardians to Lansing, Michigan where they have family. I went to a New Year�s Eve party at the church there, and for some reason at New Years at midnight I found myself locked in a small library type room in the church, madly making out with a guy whose name I�m currently drawing a blank on. The next day I felt extreme guilt over cheating on Cody. When we went back to school, I sat him down and talked to him about it, and fessed up to what I had done. He told me that he was upset about it, but that he was willing to give me a second chance, and try to forgive me. I refused. I told him that he was too good for me, and that he needed to try and find happiness with someone who wouldn�t do such a lowhanded thing to him. He proceeded to move on with his life, and started dating my best friend at the time. We were all good friends. Very surprisingly he and I remained good friends. In February I had a serious crisis with the person whose locker was next to mine, so I ended up sharing Cody�s locker with him for the rest of the year. (that crisis consisted of the person whose locker was next to mine was creeping me out, and one day they found a gun in her locker, and I freaked and never used that locker again.) Cody offered to share his locker with me because I was scared, and I took him up on it. This is the beginning of a very long and beautiful friendship. Age 16� Kurt D.
Finally I�m old enough to date. The rules were still strict though. I could only date if it was going to be a double date or a group date. I could not call guys, they had to call me. And if they wanted to take me out, they had to come pick me up and then bring me home. (this was no small feat, because I lived out in the very middle of the countryside, and that would be at least a half an hour drive one way to my house.) I met Kurt through a Christian youth group I was going to on Wednesday nights. My guardians were helping run the youth group. Kurt and I began to date with the extreme blessings of my guardians. They loved him. He and I dated for a year and a half. We were great friends, and we did many things together. The crazy thing about this relationship was that we weren�t very physical. We didn�t do any heavy making out, or anything like that. We tried to keep it as if we were courting each other, without all the sex and stuff. The extent of our physical side of the relationship was that we would lay on the couch together and watch a movie. We kissed on occasion, but not overly often. He was just someone that I loved very much, but it wasn�t a passionate thing. It�s hard to describe. Kurt and I drifted apart when he left for college on the other side of the state. For those of you who read both of my diaries, he is the one I�ve mentioned that he and his wife just recently had a baby. We keep in contact here and there. He is doing well. I am trying to do well. I have to say there that during Kurt and I, Cody and I were still good friends. He was still dating the same girl. She wasn�t my friend anymore though because she was cheating on him and I thought that was a lowdown dirty thing to do. (yeah I know� the pot calling the kettle black.) She would completely deny it to him, however the whole town knew she was boffing one of the road crew workers that was staying the hotel in town while they were working on the highway. Next on the menu would be Travis P. Travis was my first boyfriend whom I had after I moved out on my own. He was a year behind me in school, however he was my age. When he was born he was a severe premie baby, and he was held back a year before starting school, to make sure he was ready. Travis and I had been dating for almost a year when we �lost our V plates (catchy phrase)� to each other. I was 19, and he was going to be 19 in a few weeks. It was a nice experience. I have to say that I�m glad that I waited to have sex as long as I did. Mostly just for the fact that we were able to do it in a comfortable bed, and not the backseat of some car. Now I�m not saying that sex in the backseat (or even the front seat for that matter) is bad� but that for my first time I�m glad that it didn�t end up like that. Travis and I had some good times. I had a very strong group of friends at that time who we both hung out with and had hilarious times together. As it happens sometimes in relationships, not long after we started having sex we broke up. He got very needy, and possessive, and I just got tired of taking care of him. You can read about how we broke up here. Also got to make a note here that I was still good friends with Cody. He had moved to a different town and was going to college. I went up and visited him several times. However it wasn�t a romantic thing, it was a �us being great friends� thing. On one occasion Travis and I stayed with him for the weekend while we were in town partying. Then there is David S.
David is a cop who lives here in this small town that I live in. He was having hard times with his girlfriend (whom I had known for years because we went to the same Christian youth group on Wednesday nights.). David and I dated for almost two months, and it mostly just consisted of sex. He worked a lot, I worked a lot. We didn�t have a whole lot of time for anything else. Every couple of weeks I would travel across the state to go see Cody who lived in Kansas City by this time. David and I broke it off because he decided to try and work things out with his girlfriend. He felt like a terrible shit for doing that to me, and he held me for hours while I just cried over it. He didn�t want to hurt me, but he did love her and had years underneath his belt with her, and wanted to try and make it work. I agreed with him, that that was probably the best thing for him to do. But it still hurt at the time. Which this brings me back around to Cody, and I�m very sorry, but my hands are killing me and I need to take a break. I will be posting another entry soon, telling all about Cody. So keep checking back�
2 Gimme your thoughts!
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