Disclaimer: First off... to any of you who might have found my diary, and now know what town I live in, and some of my common friends, please don't share this diary with anyone. This is my private place to vent my frustrations. If you want to read it... that's fine.. but don't go passing it around is what I mean. I don't go searching for your dirty laundry to publish throughout the world. Leave me a comment, talk to me, whatever floats your boat... but don't go home and tell people from my area... "Hey... Guess what I found!!" Please... Thank You.
2006-11-12 - 2:21 a.m.
The eternal question every woman has asked...
Well... I haven't written in a while. I do that... I tend to not write when things are going well... and I shouldn't do that. I should write all the time... And as usual... I'm writing now only because I have something weighing heavy on my mind. There is a good possiblity that i may be pregnant. I hope that I'm not... am telling myself that I'm not. But I can't be sure yet. I'm due to start tomorrow... well technically sometime today as it's extremely late at night right now. I just took a test and it came back negative... which is great... however it could be too soon to tell yet. What makes me think that I might be is the fact that for about the past week and a half all I want to do is sleep and I am generally ooky all day. When I say ooky I mean queasy... but not majorally queasy... if you know what I mean. I just feel like shit. I am a smoker... and I am having a hard time smoking... it makes me feel even worse. Now... I'm telling myself that it's just side effects of my birth control pills... and it very well could be... time will tell I guess. Uggh... if I am... it's okay. Not exactly great timing, but okay. If I'm not... that's okay too. I think that if I am it will be okay with Hunter... We talked about the children issue a few weeks ago... Well it was a texting conversation actually... and as usual I saved the text he replied with... which was Well... That's a conversation I cannot text.. But in short.. I would have to feel like the mother was very capable, and all other aspects were in place.. I think we would raise wonderful children.. Did you ever notice how I had never asked if you were on the pill or what not.. It sounds irrational, but I knew from the beginning.. I'm telling you.. Besides, it wouldn't be right to deprive the world of your offspring.. What a gift you'd be giving... Based on that... I think he would be okay with it. It's not great timing. I wouldn't be happy with the timing. My financial situation is just not great right now... but... whose really is when they come up pregnant? Even right now... I feel like I could go throw up. Serious fatigue and general queasiness are my two symptoms... which could VERY easily be attributed to stress... Or... side effects of the birth control. But I've been on this pill before and it never made me feel like this unless I had to take two pills in one day because I had forgotten the day before... and then is subsided within a day. This isn't that case. I'm telling myself it's because I'm smoking while I'm on the pill.... But then I remember that I smoked back then too... and still didn't have this. Hunter is out of the state right now... and that's probably good. I don't want to say anything until I know one way or another... There is absolutley no reason to bring that stress up. If I realize that I am, he'll be the first person that I talk to... but until then I have only here to get it off of my chest. Even though my roommate Nick mentioned it the other day that I seem to be sleeping a helluva lot more than usual. All I want to do is sleep. I NEVER went to bed before midnight and now I find myself wanting to sleep at eight. Hell last night I went to bed at nine and slept until 12:30pm this afternoon. So... here's to hoping that I am not. I know... as much as I have whined in the past about wanting to have a baby... I am still hoping that I am not. That was a different situation in my life where I was all fucked up and thought I needed a child to make me happy. I know now that that is not the case... I need to be happy with myself before I can allow anything else to make me happy for an extended period of time. I will know for certain within the next few days... Cross your fingers for me... jess
0 Gimme your thoughts!
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