Disclaimer: First off... to any of you who might have found my diary, and now know what town I live in, and some of my common friends, please don't share this diary with anyone. This is my private place to vent my frustrations. If you want to read it... that's fine.. but don't go passing it around is what I mean. I don't go searching for your dirty laundry to publish throughout the world. Leave me a comment, talk to me, whatever floats your boat... but don't go home and tell people from my area... "Hey... Guess what I found!!" Please... Thank You.
2006-09-27 - 7:42 p.m.
I feel like shit, but I'm smiling...
A nasty cold is what I have... Uggh.. I HATE being sick. Runny nose, ookiness in my head, sore throat, and a cough that sounds AND FEELS like i'm trying to hack up lung chunks. Which... after reading's Chris's entry the other day about her tb patient... makes me damn thankful that i'm not actually coughing up chunks. I'm sitting here... texting back and forth with my friend. Smiling like a goon... even though I feel like shit. Had a relatively uneventful day. Been sitting on my couch all afternoon after I got off from work. Really hoping this damn cold will be better tomorrow. This weekend I am either going to go to Hays and spend some time with Travis... or I am going to go to Colby and spend some time with my friend. Depending on what his plans for the weekend are. It's been a long time since I've had that feeling of getting to know someone in this way. Everyone I've ever dated... we've pretty much already been friends, already knew each other, when we started dating. This is different. There is that static to it... and it's nice. Yes... I'm totally ignoring the fact that he's searching around on his girlfriend. And a little bit about that. Let me tell you about him. I've known who he is for years around town. He was at one point in time good friends with my brother-in-law Shane. He was seriously into drugs for quite a while. He moved to Nebraska... and was up there for several years. Originally his girlfriend had moved up there with him. Then they broke up... and she came back home and he stayed. I asked him the other day why he came home from Nebraska, during our little question sessions of each other. He asks me questions, and then I return and do the same. Here was his answer to that question... Wow, you couldn't have asked something more complicated, good job. I was a hydroponic grower in Neb, I oversaw 43 people in a $7 million greenhouse, it was awesome... For a few years. Then it wasn't. I'd lost all respect for the immigrants that were working for me. That's reason #1. Reason 2... I was growing an addiction to ice... it's like meth, but meth is about 35% pure and ice is about 90%... I have always been fascinated by drugs, but I am very strong and respect what they can do... It was one of my resolutions, have not touched it in 06... DRUGS ARE SOMETHING THAT FROM THE INSIDE, YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN... AND FROM THE OUTSIDE YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.. To deprive oneself of the experience would be ignorant. Reason 3... I had distanced myself from everyone so much that I was lonelier than I'd ever been. Once again I found myself at the foot of my bed, weeping, with a pistol in my mouth. In desperation I turned to "girlfriend" because she understood me best.. And that's why I'm in this situation again.. I love her like a friend, but there is no passion.. I can not blame him... Because I've been in his shoes exactly. Well except for the addiction to ice... but other than that I have been there. I loved Barry like a friend... and I never wanted to hurt him. I just wanted to be happy... and that's exactly what he is doing. He's trying to be happy. I can't say that he'll be happy with me... I don't know. We still have a long ways of getting to know each other first. And we might not even go down that road at all... Who knows? I'm just enjoying today... and taking it as it comes. I just know that of all my friends at the moment... even the ones that I'm occasionally fucking... he's the only one who makes me smile like that when I hear from him. Either way... that is the status of my day. I feel like shit, but I'm smiling. Take care all... No... grateful things today. Am too tired to mess with it. That and it was pretty uneventful today. Not a lot happened besides me blowing my nose and washing my hands fifty million times at the hospital. 0 Gimme your thoughts!
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